Time is flying by here. It's an odd sensation, especially when I have no real schedule, like I did at work. While I am a super organized and scheduled person, I do tend to let things slide and I get a tad lazy when I have no deadlines or bosses around. This doesn't help me at all, because things get out of order here at Casa Baxter and when I get behind, I get cranky. And, "If momma ain't happy, ain't NOBODY happy!" as the old saying goes. It's unfortunate, but true.
On top of this identity crisis, of sorts, is my teething and fussy child. The child who has slept through the night since 6 weeks of age. And even before that, awoke only twice or, at most, three times at night to feed. Now, at five months old, she has me up SIX TIMES in the night (every hour, on the hour) to pop her soother back in her mouth. I feel like the walking dead. At the same time, I'm wondering if weaning her from her swaddle while sleeping would give her the opportunity to put the soother back in herself? Or, do I just need to get rid of soothers altogether? It feels like I'm moving backward because I originally used the soothers so she wouldn't suck her thumb. Now I'm thinking at least she is in control of her thumb and I wouldn't have to go in at night to replace it. Or is it all just teething and it'll be over as soon as it began?
So far today, she has napped once in a sleep sac with her arms free - a totally new sensation for her - for 45 mins. I thought she'd be out for a couple of hours at LEAST after being up every hour through the night. But no. She didn't have her soother all morning while awake, but I did give it to her for her naps. During her 2nd nap, I also safety-pinned the armholes on the sleep sac closed to create a more swaddle-like sleep sac to make the transition easier. But she only slept 20 mins and is now screaming bloody murder again. I'm not an advocate of letting babies "cry it out" (or "Ferberize") and have no problem rocking her to sleep, but it seems she is just miserable. I think I'll give her some Camilia (teething meds) and see if it helps.
She also had rice cereal for the first time today. I also hoped that would fill her tummy and make her drowsy. No such luck.
As you can deduce, trial and error is not my favourite way to learn in life. Especially when I have to waste an ENTIRE day figuring out what a child wants. I feel quite stifled by how long it takes to get things done these days - even getting ready for a walk in this cold weather - and then I end up feeling guilty for feeling stifled because we chose to have Heidi; in fact, I've never prayed harder in my life for something as I did to conceive her. I'm thinking these feelings are common in most first-time moms who are used to the predictable and pleasant regimen of career and social life. And independence. Blessed, elusive independence. Oh, to be able to finish something I start again!
But I don't think that will happen until this little redheaded furor moves out to gain her own independence. I've never been terribly maternal and surprisingly, that hasn't changed since I've become a mom. I love Heidi with ALL my heart; I have never known a love so strong. BUT, I have always valued my quiet time, my time to sort, plan, organize and relax. I think the problem lies in accepting this stage of life and enjoying it for what it is: precious. I know I'll wish I could have it back again in 12 years, when I have a moody preteen on my hands.
So today I'll do my best to be thankful for the opportunity to witness the growth and progress of my little girl, and allow each day to surprise me with something new.
Like, a full night's sleep?